Happy Sabbath to you... It's been a pretty sabbatical Sunday actually. Got to sleep in today because I decided to for the afternoon service instead. Initially, I thought I would be watching a recording but the Lord never fails to surprise me & instead, I was blessed with an anointed live sermon by our very own Pastor Lawrence. Not to mention, we had the privilege of being led by Darlene Zschech & her team for an amazing time of worship! It did help that her acoustic guitarist/back-up was a gorgeous young man... Haha.
Caught up with a few friends from church & it is always good to come together to give glory to God for everything He has done for us. I am definitely equipped for the week! This spirit of life shall reside in me for the next 2 weeks as I embark on my journey to Thailand! I am bummed about missing 2 Sunday services but praise the Lord for the few kingdom friends that will be with me on the trip. We will be keeping the Lord with us for the entire trip.
This is a song that I've been blessed by & I hope it blesses you too! Whoever you are & whether or not you believe it, He loves you with an endless love. It's sad if you can't see it because you are missing out on too much. God is no longer angry at you because His wrath has been completely exhausted on His own Son at the cross. Our sins have been paid & we now walk in the perfect light of the risen Son - Jesus Christ because of the new covenant. All God has for you now is mercy, grace & love. This is the life He has called us for, my dear friend.
"Now my debt is paid; it is paid in full by the precious blood that my Jesus spilled. Now the curse of sin has no hold on me. Whom the Son sets free, oh is free indeed."
Just as I thought it would take me awhile to get past this, I was met with another epiphany & this time, a big one that would set things in place for me. I won't go into details as to how it all it hit me due to sensitive information but I will expound on the conclusions I have drawn from it.
Life is precious, as we all have learnt in some way due to experiences. When one setback hits us, we suddenly place so much emphasis on it that we forget the other 99.9% composition of our lives. People are suffering every day because of grave circumstances so how can we say that we've lost everything because of a mere heartbreak (or a slip up)? I thought about it & realized that my problem was so small & insignificant compared to everything else that I had going for me in my life. I can't let myself forgo everything else for that one thing/person that had led me down. It's not worth it!
What made everything even better was that I had someone to share this experience with. A dear friend, who shall not be named due to confidentiality, is in the exact same predicament that I'm in & we're helping each other through this ordeal. When I had received the epiphany, I immediately shared it with her & I believed both of us had instantly gone a step closer to moving on. You know who you are, thank you, friend.
I still firmly believe that everything that happens in our life, happen for a reason. We are meant to take away a lesson from every experience we go through. Of course, it is also up to us as to how we meditate on the idea in order to get something out of it for ourselves. It also helps to have someone whom you can share the experience with & to keep each other in check.
Now, I will leave you with a track by this new French group that I stumbled upon on 8tracks awhile ago. I couldn't find the lyrics to it & although I can't really make out what they are, I am really drawn to it. Hope you like it!
I'm stuck once again... I'm caught between two realms & it's really bothering me. I mean I'm glad that I'm beginning to move away from that state of yearning but now I'm almost there & I can't seem to cross over to the other side. (It's not what it sounds like...)
I know that I've gotten my epiphany but something is still holding me back & I keep trying to curb it. I've even taken the necessary measures that I would never take. I've outdone myself in so many ways because of this experience. Although I keep wishing that it had never happened, I know that it will set me up for bigger things in the future. I'm going to grow because of this. I'm just so frustrated because I have been dealing with this inner turmoil for a while now. I can't wait to finally move past this.
It's really sad because the yearn that I had garnered eventually turned into hate. I hate you for doing what you did to me. I also hate you for doing what you did to her. I feel sorry for that naive woman because she actually thinks that you are going to be there for her for the rest of her life. But in actual fact, she doesn't even have a clue as to what you have done behind her back. I know that I'm horrible for saying that but it's the truth. You know it. Or else none of this would have happened.
I secretly wish that you'd get your heart broken like this someday. It's the only way you'll learn not to do it again. I don't know how easy you've had it in life up until now because of your looks or your charm but life is not always going to be smooth sailing. You are going to hit some roadblocks & it's inevitable.
Now it's time for me to address everyone & apologize if I had been out of sorts lately. Please forgive me and understand that I just need time & space for myself to sort things out. I'm still very much conflicted & therefore I might be a little distracted here & there & even temperamental. I'm really grateful for Elaine & Natalie for the good council. Nat, it was brave of you to make that decision & you have inspired me to muster my courage to get through this ordeal. We will get through this together, I assure you!
The only good thing that probably came out of this was that Aqilah & I have written our first song for the duo & we can't wait to produce it. I'm going to be writing a lot more now that I have so much in my head to pen down. It's funny how we all come up with the most beautiful creations out of being down in the dumps.
Here's a group of talented bunch that I owe my progress to. They've been the sweetest & their music has been the only thing I could identify with. They are none other than COIN. Please do support them if you like their music. Their latest EP 1992 is available on itunes for only USD$4.99!
This week was probably one of the most cathartic week I've had. I don't think I've even yet to come to terms with everything that has happened. The good & bad that had happened were on a tight race with each other that it eventually resulted in a stalemate. A stalemate within my spirit, that is. Nothing seems to be able to lift or tread my spirits anymore...
I hope this doesn't mean that I've numbed myself to the world. I know that I am going through some sort of transition in my life but I honestly have no clue as to what it will bring. We'll see. All I'm really looking forward to is the end of the school term where I'll finally "retreat" to Thailand for 2 weeks. Although I'm aware that our aims & objectives for GPS are totally different from OSL, our purpose is ultimately for the children of Moo Baan Dek. It's always good to go back to basics when you find yourself stuck midway to the top.
With the week coming to a close, I just want to put everything past me & move forward. Soon, I'll be taking my final year in school & IB will (hopefully) become just another one of ife's milestones. To you who are reading this, just remember that you'll never have to live that second of your life that had just passed you by as you are reading this. Good or bad, things will come & go & if you don't want to remember something, leave it behind. Time is but a factor & even it will pass too. This is the real world.
"Don't go crying to your mama cause' you're on your own in the real world"
Just like that, my week of fun is over & IB is back in existence & more real than ever. But I am very thankful for the break because I feel completely relieved of all the stress that have been building up from the start of the year. The break was definitely a mini catharsis, so to speak. Fun & games aside, I finally had the time to think things through. I've put a lot of thoughts on hold for the exams so it was good that I got to revisit them again. I also think that I've finally gotten the closure I needed for myself. All this time, I was the only person that possessed the key to that closure & I hadn't realized it until now. Better late than never?
Things are certainly looking up & I know that it's all of God's doing. He is opening the way for me to get out of this rut. Each time I fall, He lifts me up even higher. I'm also really happy to be serving Him. He has used me countless times for great things & I think I haven't given it much credit. I think maybe it's because it's become so natural for me to share the gospel that I don't deem it as anything more than me talking about something passionately. Which is a good thing! Serving Him shouldn't feel like a chore or an obligation as compared to passion & devotion to the Lord. So thank you Jesus for placing this burning desire in me to bring more lost souls back to You.
I am ready to face tomorrow just as Jesus was ready to face the world. This is what I embody ladies & gentlemen:
1. Announced by the forerunner
2. Approved by the Father
3. Anointed by the spirit
4. Assailed by the devil
5. Acknowledged by the beasts
6. Attended to by angels
7. Acclaimed by multitude
If my God is for me, who/what can be against me?!
On a separate note, my duo has been born! Aqilah & I are now officially known as Bona fide Deux. We want to make music from a place of authenticity & the both of us are going to work very hard! We are embarking on our songwriting journey so stay tuned for originals! In the meantime, we have done a cover of Bastille's 'Pompeii' & feel free to give us feedback! We're on soundcloud & youtube!
Sometimes you ask yourself "What was I thinking?" & then realize that you weren't at all, to begin with. I don't think anyone realizes how dangerous our impulses are because they can really screw us over in a split second. Then regret kicks in & you kick yourself. I really wish I would think more before I do anything.
Basically, I'm referring to instances where you decide to tell someone something & as you begin to do that, you start to realize that you might be making a mistake but it's too late to back out so you continue because you pretty much don't have a choice. (Boy was that a lengthy sentence) What's worse is that although you expect these people to judge your predicament, you would think that they would, at the very least, say the "right" things to console you. But instead, they become silent as they listen to what you have to say & then tell you a whole bunch of things (like as if you haven't already heard it before) & disregard everything you have to say after that. So in the end, I just feel even worse, really. Well at least I know what not to say the next time.
Thanks to all that, I got all emotional again & wound up brooding over my predicament... I took a bold step because of it too. I realized that despite the fact that I couldn't see beyond all the mist of denial & delusion right now, doesn't mean that I have to succumb to it. Now is the time to shake this off & get my act together. How can I continue to let myself hopelessly hold onto you when you're already committed to someone else? It is not fair to me at all. This whole thing isn't. Why can't I see that? OK fair enough, I have the right to worry that no one else as good as yourself will come along. Actually, you know what I really want? I want to teach you a lesson. I want you to realize the gravity of what you've done. The only way I can do that is to completely cut you off. I don't know why I would let you think that this whole thing is OK by pretending everything is fine when it CLEARLY isn't. But that's just you, isn't it? I'm supposed to play along with your nonchalance & whatnot. I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE.
There's something I've been mulling over & I think it's time to get it off my chest before I explode.
So I know that you're pretty much an adult & you have your own responsibilities. But that being said, you're still at an early stage in your life where you can afford to be adventurous & exploit your youth. In fact, you already come across as someone who is living their life to the fullest & unafraid to pursue their dreams. It's really great that you're not limiting yourself to whatever academic credentials you have garnered. I mean, change is inevitable & it's good. Life is way too short to just stick to the status quo. Anyway, my point is that I don't understand why you would choose to settle down with someone like her. Just to get it out of the way, this is not coming from a place of envy at all. In all honesty, if you were attached to someone else who bore more youth & the spirit of adventure, then I'd gladly concede defeat.
Maybe I have no right to judge because I don't even know her. It is also likely that I'm drawing comparisons between me & her because clearly I'm trying to figure out what it is that she has that I don't have. I know it's not fair to do that but I guess I'm still hung up over you. But you know, in that short time we spent together, I felt like we transcended time & space altogether. I felt like we were in a teen movie & it was just us against the world. As cliche as it sounds, it's a great feeling to have. (To everyone out there, you'll understand what I mean if you have experienced this before.) It all felt like a dream & I guess it kinda is a dream given the fact that it ended so abruptly & the chances of it happening again is unlikely.
I really wonder what goes on in your head everyday. A friend of mine showed me something that she'd found & it got me thinking...
"You don't have to actually touch genitals to have cheated on someone and/or betrayed their trust. If you are having deep, personal, romantic conversations with someone behind your partner's back, if you are still harboring feelings for someone else, if you are seriously considering other possibilities while still completely attached to your current flame - you are being an asshole and should stop it. It's insane how many people don't acknowledge the myriad ways that someone can be cheated on that don't actually involve sex. Do you really think that your partner finding out that you've been exchanging passionate emails with an ex is going to be much less destructive than having slept with someone else?"
I'm just putting this out there because I completely agree with it. I'm not saying anything more. With that, I shall leave you with a track by one of my favourite Irish bands (other than The Script).
Lost in the memory as it shakes up the corners of my heart~
